Reminding Our Adult Kids Who and Whose They Are
I have four grown children who are now scattered in two different states, Texas and Tennessee. Two of them are now living just twenty minutes apart outside of Dallas in McKinney and Anna. My youngest son, Jeremy, lives with his wife, Anna, in Mckinney with their two young sons, Brennan and Beckett. Heidi and Sky have just moved their family of six (minus their oldest daughter, Ellie, who is finishing her senior year in high school) to Anna, Texas. My oldest son, Adam and his wife, Anne, live just outside of Nashville on a farm. My youngest daughter, Holly, and her husband, Brandon, live about twenty minutes from them in Nashville. Colleen and I are in Vero Beach, Florida.
They are all happily married and doing well in their careers. I love them each very much and am proud of them and the men and women they have grown up to be. Cell phones, texts and photos and video clips bring them closer than if we had been living say, 30 years ago. But I need to “keep it real” and admit something to you. Time, distance and our busy schedules can create a toxic cocktail of disconnection that can leave an empty feeling when we occasionally talk. Have you noticed that the less you talk together the less you have to talk about?! When I do call them, I tend to forget to ask the kind of questions that enable them to relax and just talk. We keep our conversation on a surface level. And tragically when it comes to praying for them, rather than going for a “deep dive” I water ski over the surface of their lives!
Who is supposed to call whom? I sure flunked in consistently checking in with my parents during my busy “kids in the house” years. My mother called me regularly. Her voice is the one sound I miss the most about her and look forward to hearing in heaven. So, what do I do about this? I can feel sorry for myself and whine, “My kids never call me..” or “Why did they have to live so far away?” I can “white knuckle it” and just dutifully call them more frequently. No! I don’t think any of these ideas are good options.
If I’m not the only one in this situation, then what can WE do about this?
I believe to better connect now we need to look backwards to the point when our kids were very young. Have you ever noticed that when you see a photo of your adult children that you look into their eyes you can easily imagine them as a newborn or a toddler? That seed of who they would grow up to be as an adult was in them then.
I have a photo of my four adult children in my cubicle at work. The picture was taken just a few years ago when they treated me to birthday present by inviting me to a Seattle Mariners game. Holly, Heidi, Jeremy and Adam sat on a bench outside the stadium with big smiles. Each one’s face took me right back to their childhood. As I stare at their faces I can remember when their mother and I gave them their names. With their names I gave them each a verse of Scripture that I claimed in faith and prayed over them.
Heidi means “honorable one.” Proverbs 31:30 became the verse I prayed over Heidi from the beginning of her life until now. Adam means “man of the red earth” He was born with red hair that foreshadowed his uniqueness he would display throughout this life. Ephesians 2:10 is a verse I have prayed over him. Jeremy was born a year to the day after Cindy suffered a miscarriage. His name means “chosen one,” we took it that God had a glorious purpose for the one we lost but also for this young man too who would be born into our family. He was chosen by Jesus to “bear lasting fruit” as John 15:16 says those who follow Jesus would do. He went through some tough things late in high school. But I believe they were necessary for him to go through them to become the man he is today who would make a lasting impact upon others. Then we were blessed with Holly, which means “holy” or “set apart for God.” Romans 12:1-2 are the verses that God gave me for her. She has shown this quality, to not conform to the world but to be creative and courageous throughout her 30 years on this earth.
How has this helped me to encourage my kids today as young adults? I simply remind them of who they are and “whose” they are. This happened recently with my oldest daughter, Heidi. She and her husband, Sky, experienced a very painful miscarriage after they excitedly revealed they were having a baby girl. Then there was Covid with all of the stress that causes on any family. But for them there was the extra stress that was brought to them by the state of Washington’s vaccine mandate. That forced Sky to choose between taking a shot that he believed was harmful and was unconstitutionally (I believe) imposed, or to allow the state to take away his job. He very reluctantly chose to give up the job. (A legal fight is still in process) Heidi’s very faith in the goodness and wisdom of the Lord went through a major test. This job loss was the final straw which caused them to move from Washington to Texas this past March.
Through it all I prayed to GOD for Heidi. I did pray for things like wisdom, for Sky to be able to keep his job and them to be alright financially but, more than this, I held onto God and reminded Him over and over of His promised destiny for Heidi, that no matter what she went through-she was destined to become that “honorable one” for which she was named. She would fulfill Proverbs 31:30 which says “Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who feareth the Lord, she shall be praised” (KJV). I also reminded HER of this promise, that she could look forward to her destiny to be fulfilled in her life no matter what pain she was currently going through. The reality is that she is still that beautiful smiling little toddler with pig tails I remember like it was yesterday. She is still loved and honored by God.
This has helped me, not only with Heidi, but with each of my grown kids. To look back in faith to remind them of the promise that God gave to me for them that they can confidently lean into the knowledge of His delight in them, His perfect plans for them…even when everything around them seems to be going awry* ( *this word means “to go away from the appropriate, planned, or expected course.”)
Dear Father God,
You know that my children and grandchildren, because of your Son, have been born with wonderful eternal destinies to fulfill. As their father and grandfather, through faith, you have given to me special insight into these things. As they face life’s challenges, remind them of who they are and whose they are. And please remind me to shine a light through the deceptive darkness that blinds them from seeing things as they truly are.
In Your Son’s Wonderful Name, Amen
Jamie Bohnett
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